"How Am I Doing?"
For more years than I care to remember, I would often have the question come up for me of how I was doing. How am I doing in life, how am I doing in practice, am I getting anywhere, how am I doing in my relationship, how do I stand with the world, and so on ad infinitum. I don't ask those questions anymore...
Questions like that really have no meaning. It sounds strange to say that but it's the simple truth. As long as we're asking how we're doing, especially with practice, we're essentially splitting ourselves from our lives, trying to step back and analyze. In my case, I would rationalise this as a perfectly human thing to do, a very understandable thing to do. It's also a cause of much frustration and doesn't do a damn bit of good. So now, I don't need to ask how I'm doing. It's okay to have screwed up practice, it's okay to not know where I am or who I am. I don't mean that in a complacent way, just that there's no need to compare myself anymore. That takes an incredible amount of needless complication away.
While we're on the subject of complication, since my source of income was destroyed and I have to rebuild, if anyone reading this is moved to, feel free to donate a dollar or two - there's a button on the side of the page here. Come to think of it, if everyone who reads my blog did that, I could get some dental treatment which would really help. So yes, this is me asking for financial help. If you can, it's much appreciated. If you can't it's much appreciated. Be well.
Questions like that really have no meaning. It sounds strange to say that but it's the simple truth. As long as we're asking how we're doing, especially with practice, we're essentially splitting ourselves from our lives, trying to step back and analyze. In my case, I would rationalise this as a perfectly human thing to do, a very understandable thing to do. It's also a cause of much frustration and doesn't do a damn bit of good. So now, I don't need to ask how I'm doing. It's okay to have screwed up practice, it's okay to not know where I am or who I am. I don't mean that in a complacent way, just that there's no need to compare myself anymore. That takes an incredible amount of needless complication away.
While we're on the subject of complication, since my source of income was destroyed and I have to rebuild, if anyone reading this is moved to, feel free to donate a dollar or two - there's a button on the side of the page here. Come to think of it, if everyone who reads my blog did that, I could get some dental treatment which would really help. So yes, this is me asking for financial help. If you can, it's much appreciated. If you can't it's much appreciated. Be well.
posted by Renegade | 6:50 PM
2 Comments:
Thank you for your posts at Beliefnet throughout the years. I've been a reader there since about 2002, but I've only recently became an active participant.
I've silently watched as you answered questions and gave advice. I still read your comments, and they have meaning to me.
Although you stress that you are not a Zen teacher, I have learned a great deal from you. I feel as if I owe you something, as so I have made a donation. I only wish that I could give more, because you have given me (and others) so much!
Be well and happy.
Your friend,
Jeannie
Jeannie, I seem to be crying a lot tonight. Your message moved me. Thank you. It helps more than you know, to realize that you're out there. I look around and see so many people who don't let anything touch them, even people that I care deeply for. I wish sometimes I could do that again - not feel the way I do. I can't. It feels like I'm a walking open wound sometimes and it hurts so much. But I wouldn't have it any other way - I'm alive and I'm living and it's okay to be upset sometimes and it's okay to say I need help too I guess. Thank you.
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